Call me Klutzerbuck…

I seem to go through phases of ridiculous klutziness. Weeks, if not months, can pass with only minor walking into furniture incidents (it’s normal to regularly have unexplained bruises, isn’t it?), then all of a sudden I’ll have a run of utterly idiotic accidents. The last week has been one such season…

Last Wednesday, I was walking from the gym to the office – a journey that takes under 10 minutes – and managed to bump into three fellow pedestrians. Yes, it was a busy road; yes, I was carrying not one but three bags; but still, it’s somewhat excessive. One would be unfortunate, two is unusual and three is downright idiotic. 
That evening I suffered an even worse knock to my body (and my dignity). After a marvellous gig at Cadogan Hall, I paused in Sloane Square to admire the Christmas lights and check my messages. I went to sit down on a nearby bench and…missed. My bottom made contact with the ground rather than the comfort of a wooden bench. Fortunately, no one seemed to notice and I seemed to be fairly unscathed – able to go on a little stroll along the King’s Road for frozen yoghurt subsequently. It prompted me to found a new #LizFail hashtag on Twitter, little expecting that I’d have cause to use it just four days later…
See, pretty Sloane Square! 
It turns out that my delightful MacBook can injure when provoked. Those of you on Twitter may have heard the explanation of my MacBook mishap, but I didn’t divulge it on Facebook – merely mentioning that it was its fault that I had a fat lip on Sunday night. 
Picture the scene: It’s 9.30pm on a Sunday night and I’m in bed, catching up with the weekend’s Graham Norton show. [Yes, I was in bed by 9.30pm – Sundays are busy and Mondays are even busier, don’t judge me. I do realise that only 3 months ago I would only be arriving at the pub at that time on a Sunday evening, how times change!] Because it was a tad chilly, I had my arms under the duvet – one doesn’t usually need their fingers when one is watching TV online. At some point, I moved my legs, disturbing my MacBook and sending on a trajectory towards my face. My arms couldn’t emerge in time and I could do nothing to stop in from hitting me – which it did, right in the centre of my top lip.
For a good few minutes I lay in the dark with tears streaming down my face, tentatively checking that my front teeth were still present. (Praise the Lord they were!) Then I noticed the blood – I had managed to inflict actual bodily harm upon myself thanks to my favourite Apple product. Utterly ridiculous. 
It’s at this point I have to thank the Tweeter who responded to my sheepish “My Macbook has just given me a fat (& cut) lip – don’t even ask how that happened… #LizFail with “did u insult it & ask it if it could run windows 7?” [sic]. Tres amusant. 
Thing is, do you what’s not good with a cut lip (especially in that particularly position)? Laughing, or even a wide grin. Monday morning saw me regularly holding my lip in an effort to prevent it splitting when ever amusement overtook me. Quite ridiculous. You know what else isn’t good? Vinegar. What on earth was I thinking by eating bread dipped in vinegar when I had a hole in my mouth?! Ouch doesn’t even begin to describe the agony. Fortunately, the mouth heals quickly and three days later there is definite improvement – I just still can’t afford a sudden burst of hysterical laughter. 
What have I learned? That MacBooks should be handled with much care and that I definitely shouldn’t consider getting my klutz trousers out of my wardrobe any time soon. Oh, and perhaps I should change my surname to Klutzerbuck…

Comments

  1. I totally suffer from random bouts of clumsiness – in fact, over the past three weeks, I have:
    1 – fallen headfirst down a flight of stone steps, landing on glass and ending up in A&E (yes I am still telling that story – it hurt and I will milk it, dammit!)
    2 – dropped a flaming Peep on my hand, causing loss of said marshmallow treat and very painful blistery burns
    3 – had numerous smaller clumsy moments, including banging my head on my bed, tripping over my feet, dropping my laptop, tripping over a box, and walking into a door.

    Yeah. I empathise.

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