The First Nowell

January 25, 2016 by 1 Comment

There ought to be a badge for curates that declares: “I survived my first ordained Christmas!” – such is the achievement of getting through one’s very first festive season as a member of clergy. The services, the sermons, the lunches, the drinks parties, the children’s parties, the Christingle making, the carols…

I guess a part-time curate’s first Christmas could be considered slightly less of an achievement? Yes and no.

Yes, because I didn’t do the full slog of Christmas services. Thanks to still being a commuting curate, reliant upon London Transport (which ceases to exist from 9pm on Christmas Eve), I missed Midnight Mass. (Also thanks to there being two other clergy present to divide preaching and presiding between themselves.)

But I did preach my very first Christmas Day sermon – complete with photos of some gems from the Clutterbuck Nativities Collection, and a legendary pop diva in the congregation. [I kid you not on that last point. Fortunately I didn’t find out about that until after the service!] I travelled through deserted London streets courtesy of a Muslim taxi driver who spent most of the journey quizzing me on how to cook a turkey – as I’ve never cooked one, I really wasn’t much help, but did recommend Delia’s Christmas.

Inuit NativityFor some reason, the Inuit Nativity got a lot of laughs in my sermon…

Being part-time means that there’s an awful lot to pack into the two weekdays that I’m at the church. Which can have interesting consequences – like the December Wednesday when my very first school assembly (on King Herod & lying) was preceded by the over 60’s Christmas lunch. I love the over 60’s group! They’ve made me an honorary member of their coterie, and that allows me to attend their monthly lunches. The Christmas lunch was talked about for several weeks beforehand, with references to sherry and wine plentiful. On the day in question, we wrapped up our 10.30 midweek service a bit before 11.30 and immediately, out came the sherry. A particularly spritely 88 year old offered me a glass, insisting that I should have something, after all, assembly wasn’t till 3pm – I relented an asked for a very small glass. I’m not sure what a large would have looked like, as I was handed a regular wine glass that was two-thirds full of sherry! [Needless to say, it was not drained empty!]

Downside of being part-time? Missing some of the Christmas lunches. Upside? Not having quite so many enforced mince pie eating occasions!

To be honest, the biggest Christmas challenge was never going to be the work, but the fact that it was different to any other Christmas I’d had before. I’ve grown up with church-orientated Christmasses – where the priority was getting one, two, three or even four services done between Christmas Eve morning and Christmas dinner! I’ve been hauled into action on grey Christmas mornings to support parents’ leading worship – regardless of whether or not I was indulging in my semi-annual Christmas cold. But it turns out it’s rather different when it’s you that has the church to look after!

Christmas 2015 was the first Christmas I’ve ever spent away from all my family. It was the first Christmas that my parents would spend with neither daughter with them. A tad daunting, but I have amazing alternative families…

A campaign had been underway to get me to spend Christmas Day in Harpenden for over a year – and where better place to spend Christmas than with a family of people you’ve known for over half your life, and who appear to have had a near-identical upbringing! Christmas with the Kilverts was different to a Clutterbuck Christmas (fewer nativities for starters), but it was good different – including Christmas quizzing, Christmas cheese, Christmas present notebooks [still reeling from the organisation level displayed on this one], and the Queen. Yes, the Queen. For the first time IN MY LIFE I watched the Queen’s speech. And you know what? It was really rather good and something to be stored away for a future sermon illustration. Anyway, huge thanks to the Kilvert clan for trekking to Highbury on Christmas Day, being in my congregation, and then taking me home with you and making me feel so much a part of the family!!

The other alternative family was of course my London one. For a city whose population seems to flee in a mass exodus in the week leading up to Christmas, it was a surprise to discover that so many Matryoshka Haus-ites were in town over the holidays. Christmas Eve-Eve was spent enjoying great food with great company in the new building, while the following night was a lovely extended family meal at home. [Christmas: when three roast dinners in four days is considered not in the least bit excessive!] Celebrating Christmas with friends, my honorary niece & nephew [“aunty Liz” appears to be catching on as a moniker with the smallest housemates] was lovely and more than made up for the lack of actual family.

Oh, and I put Father Christmas to the test and won. Twice. Stocking gifts arrived from Belfast, and then on Christmas morning a Christmas miracle occurred! A stocking full of another set of presents arrived at my bedroom door. So it’s official, Father Christmas *does* exist!

Christmas Stocking

 

Well done fellow Deacons for surviving Christmas. Now, bring on Easter!

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Lord of Time

June 15, 2015 by 1 Comment

Over a year ago, during the period of time when I was trying to work out what the 2014/15 academic year was going to look like, my ethics tutor approached me after evening prayer and said that a word had come to him during prayer which he felt was for me. He asked if I liked Doctor Who (I’m indifferent to it, but know enough to get a reference), and explained that he felt as though God was emphasising his role as the Lord of Time – or “Time Lord”. It was a clear reference to my being at the mercy of God’s timing, and was somewhat reassuring…

…only somewhat, because – as I explained last year – a curacy was not forthcoming. Instead, I made plans for further study and returned to St Mellitus to study a MA. But this year, these words came back. As I struggled to find the right curacy, it was a struggle to remember that God had the timing under control.

The words of one of my classmates also came back to me. At our final college residential last year, on the Sunday when I had come before college and explained that I didn’t know what I was going to be doing next year, she told me that she had a vision of me returning the following year, with an amazing story. As church after church failed to work out this year, I began to doubt that I would have a story for the class of 2015.

This year has been a struggle. Not finding the right curacy in good time for the second year running is not to be recommended. This isn’t the place to chronicle what happened – suffice to say, there were places that were not right; good decisions; bitter disappointments; and less good decisions. When ordinands who began their 2 year course AFTER you began the curacy process then find their curacies BEFORE you do, life can feel rather frustrating. (That might be an understatement!)

I didn’t entirely lose hope. I did trust that God had it under control. But it felt as though I was consistently hitting s brick wall. Come the first May bank holiday, and an annual Christian junket, I was without a curacy and rather low. While picking up a book at the junket, I ran into a 2014 Deacon and his wife, who, upon hearing of my situation, immediately prayed for me – on the street, in front of the Hammersmith Apollo. Within 24 hours, I’d received an email from the Bishop of Stepney regarding a very promising sounding post.

God had not forgotten! The post was indeed promising, and by the second May bank holiday, my curacy had been formally agreed. Sharing my news with the college chaplain – who was on the verge of crying with happiness – she declared: “God is faithful!” I replied: “…but slow.”

As a good friend retorted when she heard this story, God’s timing is not slow, it is perfect. We just don’t have any control over it and we don’t like it! Yes, maybe getting my curacy sorted out earlier might have avoided some issues (like some of my closest friends being absent from my ordination thanks to a mutual friend’s wedding). But would one of the earlier curacies have been the right place? Is the curacy I’m now taking up not the best thing that’s crossed my radar in the entire 22 months in which I was searching? No to the first question and yes to the latter.

Yesterday, I stood in front of the ordinands of St Mellitus College and shared an amazing story of God’s faithfulness. As I walked to the lectern, I was cheered to such an extent that I was nearly undone before I’d uttered any words. My ‘final’ Sunday of 2014 was redeemed, and in God’s timing, I am to be ordained at St. Paul’s Cathedral on July 4th.

So where am I going? The green fields of North London!

A ‘N’ postcode for the first time since 2006 (another 3 years to add to my current total of 18 years up there). Specifically, the parish of Christ Church Highbury, upon Highbury Fields, deep in the heart of Arsenal territory.

It’s a part-time curacy, which is exciting. I’m not entirely sure what will make up the rest of my time (there’s a job interview on Wednesday for something that might work), but freelancing has worked very well for me this year, and God has provided exponentially. I won’t be moving there immediately – accommodation won’t be available until late this/early next year, but that’s a relief, given my need to write a thesis over the summer!

I’m also excited about the curacy itself. I’m looking forward to getting stuck back into church ministry after a year away (from church leadership, not church!), and entering the next phase of my training. There’s lots about Christ Church itself that I’m excited about too – more of which will follow…

But for now, it is with huge relief and great anticipation that I look forward to my very imminent ordination!!

Looking out at St Paul's, 2010Looking out at St Paul’s from Tate Modern, April 2010. (As used on my ordination invitations. With thanks to @notthatandym)

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Past, present and future

August 6, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Many of you will be aware that there has been a stoney silence as far as my post-Vicar School plans are concerned. While people may think that the entirety of my life is shared with social media [it really isn’t, ever], there has been a significant absence of information regarding my next steps.

What should have happened was this: in June, I’d have finished Vicar School; said goodbye to St George’s; moved house; gone on an ordination retreat; been ordained a Deacon; and begun work in a brand new parish. I only managed the first two in June and the third happens tomorrow. The ordination bit has been delayed for a year.

As of today, I can officially say what these next steps are. Next month, I’ll be returning to St Mellitus to spend a year studying a MA in Christian Leadership. On the side, I’ll be doing some freelance research type things [if you have research/writing needs, do get in touch!] while at the same time sorting out a curacy for 2015. I’m moving to Forest Gate (just beyond Stratford) tomorrow, living with some Matryoshka Haus friends who happen to need lodgers right now – as they’ve just put in a hot tub, it should be an excellent home for the next 10 months.

That short explanation puts things very simply, but in reality, the last year has been something of a roller coaster. The curacy process was not an easy one – there were No’s, disappointments and doors that stayed firmly shut – and by Easter it really didn’t look as though things would work out in time for June’s ordinations. As most of my classmates had their curacies sorted out by Christmas, I’d endured a long, seemingly never-ending period of not knowing what was happening yet, while all those around me were excitedly making plans for the next three years. Thankfully, I happen to have studied amongst the best people. Friends who wouldn’t ask the dreaded question unless I volunteered information and who regularly pressed tissues into my hands. Tutors who were unbelievably supportive and made lots of time for me to talk and process things. Countless people who checked in to see how I was doing, who prayed, made tea and generally tried to help me see a way through the fog.

When you’ve been working towards a particular outcome for years, it’s incredibly demoralising when it doesn’t seem to be happening. God had called me into ordination training, the end point of this is meant to be ordination and a lifetime of ministry. Why wasn’t it happening for me? [There are lots of possible answers to that, but I’m not dwelling on them here.] Where was God in all of this? Why me? I had a great report, I’d done well at college and in my placement – why couldn’t I find the right curacy? I was left frustrated, disappointed and rather angry.

God is in the details Spotted this in the window of a shop around the corner from my flat back in February. True words. 

Watching my friends – the people I’ve been alongside for the last three years, going through all kinds of joy and trials together – go on to the next stage without me was horrible. Early on in the year it was easy enough to put on a brave face, heading off to the vestments fair (buying a cassock that has gone unworn in the process) moderately cheerfully, for example. Presenting on my current placement  in our final assessment, while everyone else used their new parish was tough (but at least gave me something of a head start). Standing up in front of the whole college on Leavers’ Sunday and admitting that I had no idea what was next took all the guts I could summon up – but the response I received to my prayer requests was staggering and I was so glad I hadn’t bottled it. As for ordination weekend, I didn’t hide away but instead greeted my London friends on the steps of St Paul’s as they emerged from the service. Their delight at seeing me there made it worth it, as did a fabulous drinks party overlooking the city. Combine that with excellent people paying me a flying visit the following day, and actually it was nowhere near as bad I’d feared.

What I’ve had to hold on to is that this isn’t ‘never’, it’s ‘not yet’. I will be ordained. It is what God’s calling me to do. I am going to be a perfectly decent Vicar. Just not this year. And this year won’t be a waste, God’s got plans for it – I’m just still in the process of working out exactly what they might be! I’m back in the curacy process for 2015, so all being well this time next year I’ll be a fresh-faced curate. I’m not the first ordinand this has happened to and I won’t be the last.

Remember why you started I discovered this at a church craft fair before Christmas & it’s sat on my desk ever since. 

So, this year…

I’ve had a long-held plan to do more theological study (there’s a PhD idea in the offing) so a MA would clearly be a good step in that direction. Part of the delay in announcing my plans is thanks to having gone through a process of applying to the Church of England for funding for the course, a process that took forever – I received the result nearly a month after I’d had my interview. This too was a no, but thankfully, an alternative option has come up, one that I’m exceedingly grateful for.

Today, I went into college to talk to my tutor & the person in charge of the MA – just to clarify my thoughts and to make a final decision. Chatting with them reminded me yet again of just how supportive St Mellitus is as a place to train [honestly, best theological college ever!] and that in no way is this a soft option for a year. Having managed to land a First last month, I am going to be stretched and encouraged to realise my fullest theological potential. There were also conversations about other things I might get involved with and general enthusiasm from everyone I met that I’d be back next month. I left the building feeling excited about the next year for the very first time. That is a long time to have not been excited!!

I won’t be working at a church, but I am looking for a new one to belong to (things aren’t that desperate!!) Hopefully I’ll get to preach occasionally [invitations welcome], and I’ll still be part of the college worshipping community (albeit minus a significant number of friends – luckily I have some in others years too). It has the potential to be very exciting – I get to check out the ways different churches work; visit newly ordained pals in their parishes; spend a good chunk of time working on a relationship with God that’s been rather bruised of late; and bury my head in some fascinating theology.

As for what you can do…

  • If you’re a praying person, please pray – for my move; for settling into a household that’s going to be quite a contrast to my quiet 2 bedroom flat (especially as there’s only been me since June); for the new year and adapting to a new way of studying and working; for getting enough work to finance the year; and for the curacy process as its gears start to whir.
  • As the months progress, I’ll keep you posted when I have concrete information. If I’m not saying anything, please don’t ask (unless you’re an in real life friend). Trust me, I’ll be shouting from the hill tops once it’s all sorted! (I know that there are some people on Twitter who love to have discussions about CofE processes there, but I am not one of them!)
  • Be patient. I’ve really struggled with blogging over the last 6 months, because there was this massive part of my life that I couldn’t write about. A new friend of mine gave me some very wise advice last week, suggesting that I write up all that I’ve felt this year out of the public eye, and I’m going to do that, if only for journalling purposes. But when things are tricky in life, writing becomes really hard – which is hugely frustrating! But trust me, I will try and make sure the wit & wisdom continues somehow.

To those who have very much been alongside me on this journey, thank you SO much. Even a verbose blog post can’t say just how grateful I am to you all!

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